Guest post by Kandicat!
Many have said that if one only has faith the thing they are wanting will come to past.
Well, what happens when it doesn’t but the exact opposite happens instead?
Suddenly you find your faith crashing down so hard, so quickly that your own being is as glass to the hard ground. The very beliefs and values you’ve desperately clung to have slipped from your grasp, leaving you scrambling for the pieces to make yourself whole again.
What if these wants are truly legitimate and actual needs? How do you find the beliefs and values once they are shattered? Is there any hope or any point in trying? Can you even become what you had been, even if you hadn’t cared for the glass beforehand?
I have found myself at this point of extreme brokenness. While trying to find my pieces of faith, I’ve stepped on them instead. This has caused the truths of what i’d believed to bring pain and brokenness.
In my pain, I have lashed out. My outbursts caused those around me to stumble into my shards of glass. This has caused them to crack their own glass in the process.
How can I find my faith while piecing myself together if my very foundation is shattered? How can I cause others to not do the same as I had?
I remember the day that I completely broke inside. I had received a call that my brother had just had a stroke. I gathered money together and flew out as soon as possible. When I arrived at the hospital he had been doing well as can be, but my faith had already slipped from my hands.
You see, this had not been the first thing to happen.
In the last few years, my mother had several mental breakdowns, my nephew of 18 months had been killed, my brother divorced, financial issues, my own health issues including diagnosis of a disease and much more. The cracks had already formed just waiting on one more thing to happen. I had been holding on to so many things, so many stressors in which I had no control. I grew angry and bitter at these situations… and, in turn, angry and bitter at God.
I had just come home from 2 weeks of helping my brother. I made sure he was going to be okay–but I wasn’t. I was far from okay.
I tried to get help from a spiritual leader and told him that I was having trouble trusting God and I needed help. I had expected homework or something to help me. All I received from the leader was a simple, “Yeah, that’s a problem alright,” and nothing more.
I didn’t know what to do! I stumbled on alone, looking for the pieces of my broken self. When I finally found some pieces, I would gather them in tight, holding on for dear life but ended up hurting myself and dropping them.
I would like to tell you I have myself all together now. That I no longer have the pain or issues I had. But if I did that, it would be a lie. I am still broken and probably holding on wrongly to some pieces. I have tried many ways to heal myself but I can’t. I know I will always have scars from the wrong way I held on to the shards of truth.
But that’s the beauty of it. Sometimes from the scars can come great beauty and treasure.
In Japan, they have a process called Kintsugi. They don’t see a broken glass as trash but find value in it. They take the broken pieces of said glass and fill all cracks and holes with gold. This makes the glass more valuable and beautiful to behold.
That is what I know Jesus is doing in my life. He is taking the many pieces, heating it up to bind me together with Himself, the gold. I now know that sometimes you have to have your glass broken so that you can see the cracks and imperfections. Sometimes that is the only way you can be healed, then filled with the greatness that is God.
So how am I moving forward?
I am choosing to examine every belief system, every truth I have, and throwing out everything that’s the opposite.
I am choosing to give the pieces to God and letting him take over the process of fixing me.
I know now I can’t do it myself. I’ve tried so many times and it never works. I am choosing to look to God.
Here are a few scriptures to help you if you are also going through this:
- Jeremiah 29:11
- Joel 2:25 or the whole thing
- Psalm: 34:18
- Psalm 51:17
- Psalm 73:26
- Psalm 147:3
- 2 Corinthians 12:19
- Revelation 21:4